Finding Your Way Back: A Kind Guide to Getting Unstuck

Life can throw some proper curveballs at us—whether it's relationship troubles, job worries, or those moments when you question everything. When problems stack up, it's easy to feel trapped in a loop of negative thinking. But here's the thing: this feeling isn't forever. By being gentle with yourself, taking back control, and using some straightforward techniques, you can rebuild your confidence and find your sense of purpose again.

This artcile brings together ideas from counsellors, mindfulness experts, and relationship specialists to offer a friendly, non-judgemental roadmap. Whether you're going through a rough patch yourself or helping someone who is, think of these suggestions as ideas to try rather than strict rules.

Understanding the Downward Spiral: Why Negative Thinking Takes Over

When life gets tough, our brains have a built-in tendency to focus on the bad stuff—it's actually a survival thing. Mel Robbins explains that there's a part of our brain that filters what we notice based on what we're already thinking about. So if you're stuck on setbacks, your brain will keep showing you more of them. This creates a vicious cycle where doubting yourself leads to doing less, and doing less makes you doubt yourself even more.

The trick isn't to "fix" yourself but to break the cycle by getting curious about what's happening. As mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn puts it, simply noticing your thoughts without beating yourself up about them can reduce stress and create space for change.

Step 1: Building Confidence Back Up—Small Steps, Big Changes

"Confidence is the willingness to try." — Mel Robbins

Confidence grows through doing things, not through feeling certain about them first. Start small:

Accept "good enough": Trying to be perfect just feeds self-doubt. Robbins' "5 Second Rule" (acting before you overthink) helps you get past fear.

Look at setbacks differently: A missed opportunity isn't a failure—it's information. Ask yourself, "What did I learn?" instead of "Why does this always happen to me?"

Celebrate small wins: Did you finally tackle that task you'd been putting off? That took courage.

Try this: Make a list of three small things you've done this week (like answering a difficult email or making dinner). Recognise them as proof that you can handle things.

Step 2: Changing Your Inner Voice—From Self-Criticism to Self-Kindness

Being harsh with yourself might feel like motivation, but research shows that treating yourself with kindness—like you would a good friend—actually makes you stronger.

Quiet your inner critic: When you think, "I'm rubbish at this," ask yourself, "Would I say this to someone I care about?"

Notice your thoughts without getting caught up in them: Try saying, "I'm having the thought that I'm stuck," rather than "I'm stuck." It creates a bit of distance.

Use gratitude as a steady point: Robbins suggests her "Heart Scavenger Hunt"—noting one positive moment each day, however small.

Step 3: Accepting All Parts of Yourself

In their book "The Tools," Phil Stutz and Barry Michels talk about the "Shadow"—the parts of ourselves we try to hide because we're ashamed of them. Confidence grows when we stop rejecting these parts of ourselves.

The Inner Authority Tool:

• Picture the part of yourself you don't like (maybe the bit that feels inadequate)

• Imagine standing next to it and offering acceptance

• This helps you rely less on what other people think

Example: If you worry about seeming "needy," recognise that wanting connection is completely normal—not something to be ashamed of.

Step 4: Fixing Relationships—From "You vs. Me" to "We're in This Together"

Relationship tensions often come from unmet needs and fears we don't talk about. Terrence Real's book "Us" focuses on shifting from blame to shared responsibility.

Tools for Better Relationships:

Clear communication:

• "I feel [emotion] when [situation]. I need [request]."

• This avoids blame (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed when chores pile up. Could we talk about sharing them more fairly?")

Really listening: Repeat back what you hear: "It sounds like you're feeling unappreciated when..."

Being vulnerable as a strength: Share your worries without attacking. As Real says, "Closeness is built when both people take emotional risks."

Example: A partner feels undervalued after their role changes. Instead of "You don't respect me," try: "I'm struggling with who I am now that things have changed. Can we talk about how we're both feeling?"

Step 5: Finding Purpose—Making Meaning from Everyday Life

Existential therapist Irvin Yalom teaches that meaning comes from getting involved in life, not from having grand plans.

Key Ideas:

Create through action: Purpose isn't something you find lying around—it's built through daily choices (like helping others, learning new things, or creating something).

Accept uncertainty: Life being unpredictable is just how it is. Focus on responding flexibly.

Connection ripples outward: Yalom writes, "We are all here to help one another through." Even small acts of kindness have an impact.

Example: A parent feeling "stuck" at home might reframe their role: "I'm helping my kids become resilient," or "I'm showing them how to adapt."

Step 6: Taking Control—The Power of Making Your Own Choices

Psychologists Ryan and Deci identified three basic needs for wellbeing: feeling capable, having autonomy, and being connected to others.

Building Autonomy:

Own your choices: Even when you're constrained, identify areas where you have control (like how you spend 30 minutes each day).

Set boundaries: Saying "no" to others can mean saying "yes" to what matters to you.

Aim for growth, not perfection: You get better at things through practice, not because you're naturally gifted.

Practical Tools for Everyday Life

Mel Robbins' 5-4-3-2-1 Rule: Break through procrastination by counting down from 5 and then acting.

Shadow Work Writing: Write a letter to the part of yourself you don't like. What does it need to feel accepted?

Gratitude Practice: End each day by noting one thing you did well and one thing you're grateful for.

Relationship Check-ins: Weekly, ask your partner or close friend: "What's working well? What could be better?"

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Your Spiral

Feeling stuck doesn't mean you're broken—it means you're human. Confidence, meaning, and connection are skills you develop through patience and practice. As Terrence Real reminds us, "Healing happens in the trying, not in achieving perfection."

Start where you are. Take one small step. Trust that growth is possible, even when you can't see it happening.

Reading List

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. Delta.

Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Goop Press.

Robbins, M. (2017). The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage. Savio Republic.

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78.

Stutz, P., & Michels, B. (2012). The Tools: Transform Your Problems into Courage, Confidence, and Creativity. Random House.

Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.

Further Resources

• Mel Robbins' TED Talk: How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over

• Terrence Real on The Hidden Impact of Emotional Neglect

• Jon Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness Meditation Guides

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." — Lao Tzu

Remember: Your worth isn't defined by how productive you are, what others think of you, or temporary setbacks. Each moment offers a fresh choice—to act, to connect, to hope.